Chinese Talk Like a Pirate Day

The official TLAPD has come and gone in China, but I'm going to assume that it's today on the lunar calendar. This is the one time I can use the lunar calendar to my advantage as I have no grasp of how the damn thing works. I'm starting to think that no one else does, either; I'm convinced it's just a means for the government to justify their lack of foresight in planning official holidays

"So, Hu, Spring Festival. Biggest holiday in China. Country's gonna shut down for a month. Mind if I take a look at your day plann...."

*Looks at TV guide in lap, notices monthlong Prison Break marathon starting on...* "February 6th. Inform the masses."

and a convenient way for people to make you feel guilty about forgetting "important" things like birthdays and court dates.

"But I thought your birthday was in November!"

"Yeah, but on the LUNAR CALENDAR it happened...yesterday. Now empty your wallet."

But we're here to talk like pirates, not argue about dates. Talking like a pirate in Chinese is pretty easy. All you have to do is strategically replace certain words ending with an "n" sound with an "r" sound. Sometimes you'll see it written in pinyin as "n'r," but this is demonstrably retarded. Yes, there is a character for this sound, but the pronunciation is more of a regional affectation (I hear it all the time in Henan, but oh my god Beijing taxi drivers lay it on thiiiick) best confined to spoken Chinese. I've seen it used in newspaper headlines and it's the equivalent of plastering "Obama Ain't Gittin'r Done Yayt" at the top of a serious business op-ed column.

Now, the proper way to turn your n's to r's is to turn your mouth sideways and overpronounce.

It works equally well with street food,

yangrouchuan -> yangrouchuaRRRRRRR

waitresses,

fuwuyuan -> fuwuyuARRRRRRRR

and cherished symbols of Chinese cultural identity.

tian'an'men -> tian'an'meRRRRRRRR

Now, a disclaimer: if you choose to participate in CTLAPD, you will get funny looks from people, and you MAY be called a 农民, or nongmin. This loosely translates as "land pirate" or "badass," and it may be said with what you hear as a tone of disdain. In fact, it's pure unadulterated awe, fear and, depending on the sex of your conversant, lust, much in the way a typical wench three or four hundred years ago would say, "roguish highwayman." Nongmin, or should I say...nongmiRRRRRR.

Red scarf bandit via peruisay